A large rodent

23 May 2025

I am not one for heat and find myself nursing a headache. As I write this, I'm enjoying Ludovico Einaudi's latest album, The Summer Portraits. It's perfect for this warmer weather and brings me comfort.

My brain keeps returning to this survey question that tiramisu shared:

which negative emotion feels most like your default? or — if you had to pick one, which of the following emotions feels most central to who you are and how you understand yourself?

[] shame
[] guilt
[] anger
[] envy
[] melancholy
[] despair
[] depression
[] dissociation
[] anxiety
[] other: _____

Mine is melancholy. And here's a song to go with it: On The Nature Of Daylight. When I asked E to pick a word, he had a difficult time choosing. His response: "They're all so attractive."

E has been experiencing intermittent pain for more than a year now and the specialist referred us to a surgeon as a next step. We drove out for our consult earlier; in typical LA fashion, the office was 30 minutes away, so we left 50 minutes prior to our appointment and arrived 10 minutes late.² The surgeon assured us surgery was unnecessary and that medication-as-needed would be sufficient. I was impressed with how much he deduced from just a few touches and commented that he inspired confidence. He responded, "I don't know what I'm doing half the time." We left feeling better — sometimes a few words from an expert is all it takes to settle worries.

Along the drive, we saw a few squirrels scamper about. I can't help but notice them now.¹ E mentioned that as a child, he gave extensive thought to what animal he would have been in his prior life,³ concluding that he must have been a squirrel. Since then, every time we see one, I say, "Look, it's you." Today, I asked him what animal I would have been and, without hesitance, he said a capybara. He explained that they're chill, like to lounge by the water, and are friendly with everyone. I did not know being likened to a large rodent could be a compliment. 🐁