Good kid syndrome
I've been feeling some level of sadness regarding my parents recently. After a visit the other week, I drove home sobbing. I voiced my observations and general feeling to my sister that evening when she asked how the visit went.
A few days later, she followed up, expressing that she felt bothered that I felt bothered. She pointed out that I am feeling glum about things that may not even be real — they could just be my perception. That's fair. She also commented that she wouldn't feel the same way even if they were real. "It depresses me that it makes you sad, but I said it before, I wouldn't carry that burden, and I don't think it's yours to carry."
I agreed. "You have better boundaries than me. I carry all the burdens of the family for no reason."
Cue Hasan Minhaj: Off With His Head, a comedy special with a bit about this very topic. So timely. Just two weeks after our conversation.
She goes, "I don't know if anyone's told you this, Hasan, but you're pretty manic. Now, you have something that the eldest child in every family from Beige-istan has. The eldest child always has something called, 'Good kid syndrome.' The eldest child of the family feels like they have to take care of everybody in the family. Oh, mom needs this. Oh, but your dad needs this. Your sister said this, but your brother did that. Your aunt's doing this, but your uncle did this. And you feel like you have to plug every hole. But you're always one hole behind."
Yes, I am the eldest child of an immigrant family. Yes, I feel responsible for every single family member. Yes, I am trying to plug all the holes, and I feel like I'm always one hole behind.
The day after I saw it, I made my sister watch it with me, convinced it would explain my life to her.
I remember in college, sitting next to a PhD student who was researching second-generation immigrants and the unique role they occupy in their families. She said that we are the bridge for our parents in their new country. We help take care of paperwork, doctors' appointments, bill payments, and a variety of other logistical details. There's a unique reliance.
So many thoughts, I don't know. The tension between being Asian and also American — the collectivism but also the individualism. Wanting to make choices for my own life, but also the responsibility I feel towards "being there" for my family. Wanting to let go, but also gripping so firmly. I don't want to be a bad daughter. I don't want to abandon my family. But I understand I need to redefine what these terms mean to me.