I would stay
I wrote earlier that Ted Chiang's Division by Zero has been weighing on my mind. It wasn't until I shared what was happening in my life with my sister that I saw the connection: much like the protagonist in the story, I've come to discover that something I believed deeply about myself is not true.
[Y]ou couldn't ask a person to remain supportive through any crisis. If a man's wife were suddenly afflicted with mental illness, it would be a sin for him to leave her, but a forgivable one. To stay would mean accepting a different kind of relationship, something which not everyone was cut out for, and Carl never condemned a person in such a situation. But there was always the unspoken question: What would I do? And his answer had always been, I would stay.
Hypocrite.
I always thought that I would stay. Even as everyone else grew frustrated, impatient, and dismissive, I believed that I'd remain steadfast and supportive. But it's become clear to me now that I've reached my limit, and it breaks my heart to acknowledge that I can't stay anymore. Yesterday, I was distressed by my hypocrisy. Today, I'm holding back tears. I'm mourning the loss of the person I thought I was. And still, within this grief, I feel relief.