The same health, the same wealth

15 Dec 2024

B has been telling me that dating is hard. As soon as they start discussing finances and salaries, the men express discomfort in being with a woman who earns more.

K told me she experienced the same. She spent a season serial dating. 300 dates in three months. I asked her how she fit all that into her schedule. She said dates don’t have to be more than 15 minutes. A lunch, a coffee or two, a dinner. Can easily fit in three or four in a day. (I was impressed. I wouldn’t manage.)

A's in-laws visited and asked her why their son was cooking instead of her. Because a woman's place is in the kitchen or whatever. She held back from asking them who they thought was the breadwinner in the family.

J's partner compared her to women back home. Something about being submissive. She quipped that the women back home don't have PhDs.

I am in a single-income family. The doctor recommended that E retire; he didn't want to, but he accepted his condition. When people ask what he does for a living, he says he's retired. One time, someone asked, "VC?" E, not an American, did not understand the question immediately. I jumped in, "No, he's not in venture capital." He has an invisible disability.

I read a long time ago that people often enter marriages thinking the person they married will always be the same. The same health, the same wealth — the same ability, the same career, the same salary. But if we are with our partners long enough, these things change.

There was a time when I thought this was too hard. In my insecurity, I said, "I think we'd be better off if we weren't together." He responded, "If that's what you want, we can talk about it. But if it isn't what you want, please don't say that." It was not what I wanted. I never said it again.

Years ago, I decided that the most important quality in a partner is suffering well. How they respond to failure and disappointment. When things don't go their way, aren't what they expected. When they feel uncertain, insecure, at a loss. I still hold this belief.

I've been thinking that it's socially acceptable¹ for women to occupy traditionally male roles. But it doesn't appear to be the same for men — for them to occupy traditionally female roles. Maybe it is socially okay in some parts? Just not in the parts that I have traveled?